For my final project, I chose to explore the idea of depersonalization, not as a psychological disorder, but as an altered stated of mind to reach some sort of enlightenment. In doing this project, I considered it to be an exhaustive, but almost Zen-like mind state. Depersonalization is defined as a malfunction or anomaly of the mechanism by which an individual has self-awareness. It is a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation. It can be considered desirable, such as in the use of recreational drugs, but it usually refers to the severe form found in anxiety and, in the most intense cases, panic attacks. Sufferers feel they have changed, and the world has become less real, vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience, since many feel that, indeed, they are living in a "dream." Depersonalization is a subjective experience of unreality in one's sense of self, while derealization is unreality of the outside world. Although most authors currently regard depersonalization (self) and derealization (surroundings) as independent constructs, many do not want to separate derealization from depersonalization.
At the start of the project, I chose to keep in mind the idea of the surreal versus the idea of surrealistic. Upon my search for depersonalization, artists that have influenced me were Salvador Dali, Alfred Hitchcock, and Gottfried Helnwein. As the project progressed, I began asking myself the question “why?” out loud, until I lost a complete sense of self. I began to question every single little thing. Why is everything this? And why is why? And why do I? Why? And as I asked “why” about every single sensory perception, I actually became so lost in the question until that word just failed to retain meaning.
A characteristic that I kept in mind was the use of dualities with Surrealistic art. Black and white was also used to push the idea of dualities, one idea that is notable in surrealistic art works. The separation of the television monitors brought thoughts rushing across my mind of the dualities of self and body and the way that we treat them. The way that I chose to approach this topic was in the form of a pre-recorded performance piece, integrating a unique soundtrack created with the use of the cello and acoustic guitar, to accompany the motions of the body being presented. In doing this I felt that I was able to explore this particular topic to the fullest extent. In doing this project, I felt that the mediums presented allow the viewer to access this particular state-of-mind; thus, making the audience feel a sense of empathy as opposed to a fear of what may be unknown to them. The performance is ten minutes long and project on a fixed image(s) to allow even further access in the piece. I intend to take the audience on a surrealistic ride that lowers whatever it is that may be inhibiting them from accessing their unconscious and making it more readily available.
